Running Away to Die Elsewhere
by Happy Cheerio
Summary: A dirty crack-rewrite of Romeo and Juliet. After meeting by chance on the street, and a graphic make-out session, R & J decide to get married and murder the Prince. THE M RATING IS NOT A JOKE! Contains twincest, gay relationships, drugs, etc.
1. Act 1, Scene 1

**AN: Hey there people, I don't know who is gonna read this, because I'm assuming Romeo and Juliet doesn't have that large a fanbase, but here's a warning: This story is MOSTLY going to follow the original plotline, but with a lot more sex, and more relationships going on. And that M rating is no joke. I hope it's fun to read. I'm mostly posting this for my friends, but I'd love it if anyone else who reads this reviews. Anyways, on with the story!**

**ACT 1, Scene 1**

_Verona. A street._

_Enter __Romeo __and __Mercutio__._

_Romeo_: Is it not a lovely day today?

_Mercutio_: You seem to be in a good mood today Romeo. Why is that?

_Romeo_: I do not know why, but I feel today shall bring good tidings. Ever since I woke up this morning I feel as if something would happen to me, something that was destined to be. I knew that the stars would be in my favor today.

_Mercutio_: Thou speaketh of destiny and stars. I do not believe in such things. Destiny, stars and dreams, I abhor them. They make men believe that they have no control over their lives. Destiny is for cowards who don't take action, who leave it up to fate to decide the outcome of their lives.

_Enter __Rose__._

_Romeo_: OHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh! Who is that hot babe over there that is making me have odd feelings down there?

_Mercutio_: OHHHHhhhhhh I dunno.

_Romeo_: I'm gonna go hit on her!

_Mercutio_: NO! I WANNA!

_Romeo_: NO WAI! MHAHAHAHAHA! _Romeo goes to talk to Rose first_.

_Romeo (to Rose)_: Hey babe, wanna go fuck?

_Rose_: YES!

_Romeo_: Let's go then!

_Rose_: WAIT A SECOND! It seems I would prefer to be a virgin!

_Romeo_: THAT SUCKS!

_Mercutio_: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

_Romeo_: SHUT UP YOU! _Romeo punches Mercutio_

_Enter __Juliet__._

_Romeo (to Mercutio)_: Hey look! Another hot babe!

_Mercutio_: DIBS!

_Rose_: Hey! What about me! Sure, our relationship would be sexless, but it will be fun!

_Romeo_: Sorry, but Juliet is hotter than you, and I am a sex maniac.

_Rose_: _Goes in a corner and slits her wrists._

_Exit __Rose__._

_Mercutio (to Juliet)_: Hey there.

_Juliet_: _Looks ar Mercutio._ Ugh, what kind of douchebag are you?

_Mercutio_: I am not a douchebag!

_Juilet_: Don't talk to me, fag.

_Mercutio_: I am not gay, and that's offensive! What kind of young lady are you, using such offensive language?

_Juliet_: Whatever.

_Romeo (to Juliet)_: Sorry, my friend is high right now.

_Juliet_: Oh, that's fine, hottie. What's your friend smoking anyways? I want some!

_Mercutio_: actually I'm sniffing this awesome stuff right now, I'll share if ya sleep with me.

_Juliet_: ... Ugh this decision sucks.

_Mercutio_: _Attentively starts dancing to ''Get down on it'' but fails and looks gay._

_Juliet_: Was that supposed seduce me?

_Mercutio_: Yes, in fact.

_Juliet_: That was such a turn off. Get away from me, you loser.

_Romeo (Butts in)__:_ ANYWAYS! So, Juliet, wanna fuck with me?

_Juliet_: Anything is better than Mercutio here.

_Romeo_: YES!

_Juliet_: Where are we gonna do this?

_Romeo_: Right here!

_Romeo __and __Juliet __start undressing each other._

_Mercutio_: Can I stay and stare at you doing this?

_Juliet_: Um, eww? Romeo, how can you be friends with such a perv?

_Romeo_: He's the princes cousin. I was hoping to leach some money off of him.

_Mercutio_: Fine! I know when I'm not wanted!

_Exit __Mercutio__._

_Romeo __and __Juliet __start making out and doing things a little more graphic then that..._

_Juliet_: OH YESS!

_Romeo_: I am glad that this pleases you.

**EXUNT**

**AN: So, just a backstory about when I was writing this (You don't have to read this). It was originally my friend's assignment for english class, hence the normal writing in the first few sentences, but she asked for my help. I couldn't think of anything, so I made up this weird, sex-based plot. I hadn't yet read Romeo and Juliet at that time, but I had seen the play a few times. That's why Rose at first wants sex, but then becomes bi-polar and says she wants to be a virgin. That's when my friend pointed out that she was nun-like. **

**I'm going to be posting the first and second acts throughout the week, since I have already written those, 1 scene a day. After that, who knows when the next stuff will come. Just a little warning!**

**So anyways, please review! I don't know that anyone is reading this unless you do :) **


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**ACT 1, Scene 2**

_Verona, Benny's house._

_Enter __Benny__._

_Benny_: I am so lonesome here, in my house by myself. Romeo wants me to go out and find a girlfriend, but the thing is, I'm actually secretly gay...

_Enter __Mercutio__._

_Benny_: Oh, hey there Mercutio! I didn't see you there...

_Mercutio_: I just returned from my walk with Romeo... We were hitting on some girls.

_Benny_: Oh. Was it fun?

_Mercutio_: Not for me, they both rejected me and Juliet called me a fag...

_Benny_: Oh, how dreadful! How could such a young and _proper_ lady use such vulgar language?

_Mercutio_: That's exactly what I said!

_Benny_: Come here, friend, I will help make the painful memories go away.

_Mercutio_: I do not seem to understand what you are saying...

_Benny_: I mean I will listen to your problems... jeez, you thought I was gonna fuck you or something?

_Mercutio_: Actually yes. I was actually ok with that, too...

_Benny_: REALLY?

_Mercutio_: Yeah. I'm bi, you didn't know that?

_Benny_: No...

_Mercutio_: What was with your enthusiasm there?

_Benny_: Well, I was ok with that too...

_Mercutio_: You are bi?

_Benny_: No, I'm gay.

_Mercutio_: Oh. I'm ok with that.

_Benny_: I know you are.

_Mercutio_: Let's have sex.

_Benny_: You are reading my mind!

_Mercutio_: That's cause I'm psychic!

_Benny_: Whoa! That's so cool!

_Mercutio_: Yeah, I know. But let's just have that sex now!

_Benny_: You're on!

_Mercutio_: Who goes on top?

_Benny_: We should take turns.

_Mercutio_: Ok. Do you have condoms?

_Benny_: Why would we need those?

_Mercutio_: Well there's no chance of pregnancy, but I don't know who you've slept with, and you might have STDs... no offense.

_Benny_: It's fine, I'm a virgin!

_Mercutio_: Wow, that's sad. No wonder you are gay. I know none of the people I slept with had STDs, so _I GUESS_ we can do this without condoms.

_Benny_: Yay! Unprotected sex!

_Mercutio_: I start on top, since this is your first time.

_Benny_, hold on, let me get my lube.

_Mercutio_: Good idea.

_Benny __goes to get his lube. _

_Benny_: Ok, let's do this already!

_Mercutio_: Yes!

_Benny __and __Mercutio __start undressing each other and go into Benny's bed..._

**EXUNT**


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

**ACT 1, Scene 3**

_Verona, the Capulet's house._

_Enter __Lady Capulet__._

_Lady Capulet_: Oh goody! My husband has just left so I am free to try out my new sex toy without him knowing! It arrived in the mail just yesterday, and I had to tell him it was jam. I can't live without these things ever since Tybalt stabbed milord in the... well, anyways, yay!

_The doorbell rings_.

_Lady Capulet_: FUCK! Why now, of all times!

_Lady Capulet __goes to answer the door. Enter __Tina__._

_Tina_: Hi there!

_Lady Capulet_: What business do you have disturbing my pleasure?

_Tina_: TMI. Anyways, may I come in?

_Lady Capulet_: State your business first.

_Tina_: It's very important.

_Lady Capulet_: Fiiiiine.

_Lady Capulet __leads __Tina __to her living room._

_Tina_: Nice house!

_Lady Capulet_: Thank you. Of course, it is to be expected of one of Verona's wealthiest families.

_Tina_: I come here because, you see, a few weeks ago my step-father died. But before his death, he informed me that he was not really my father.

_Lady Capulet_: Well duh. He was your STEP-father!

_Tina_: Yes, but then he told me that my mother was not actually my mother either! He told me that she actually adopted me when she was still with her first husband.

_Lady Capulet_: What does any of this have to do with me?

_Tina_: I am getting to that. He told me that they had adopted me from an orphanage here in Verona. So I went there, and they told me that I had been left there many years ago by a woman named Capulet.

_Lady Capulet_: WHAT? What is your name, child!

_Tina_: My name is Tina.

_Lady Capulet_: I HAD NO SUCH CHILD!

_Tina_: Of course not. This is lord Capulet's house. My mother was his sister.

_Lady Capulet_: So you are my niece?

_Tina_: Correct.

_Lady Capulet_: But my step-sister was only pregnant once, 19 or so years ago. She bore one healthy child, Tybalt.

_Tina_: But that makes no sense... Wait a second, 19 years ago you say? I am 18, 19 in 2 months!

_Lady Capulet_: Oh my God...

_Tina_: Does this mean... what I think it does? I have a twin?

_Lady Capulet_: I have to inform my step-sister and Tybalt right away!

_Tina_: I never imagined this!

**EXUNT**

**AN: Sorry for no update yesterday, I forgot :P Be glad you get one today cause I am leaving for my grandparents house.**


	4. Act 1, Scene 4

**ACT 1, Scene 4**

_Verona, the Capulet's house._

_Enter __Tybalt_

_Tybalt_: Finally home! God, lord Capulet works me so hard!

_Enter __Lady Capulet__._

_Lady Capulet_: Is that you Tybalt?

_Tybalt_: Yes, milady.

_Lady Capulet_: Good! There is someone here I would like you to meet!

_Tybalt_: Oh?

_Lady Capulet __leads __Tybalt __to the living room. __Tybalt __spots __Tina__._

_Tybalt_: Who is this?

_Lady Capulet_: This is Tina.

_Tina_: Hello!

_Tybalt_. Greetings, fair lady.

_Lady Capulet _(_clears her throat_): Let me rephrase that. This is Tina, your twin sister, separated from you at birth by your mother.

_Tybalt_: GASP!

_Tina_: She speaks the truth.

_Lady _Capulet: I shall leave you two alone now. You have much catching up to do!

_Exit __Lady Capulet_.

_Tina_: So...

_Tybalt_: So...

_Tina_: This is awkward.

_Tybalt_: Are you really my twin sister?

_Tina_: Yes.

_Tybalt_: Oh. Cause I thought you looked kinda hot when I first saw you.

_Tina_: Same for me when I saw you...

_Tybalt_: I would totally date you, but you are my sister and all...

_Tina_: Actually... there's a slight chance I'm not... The people at the orphanage said that there were many people out there with the last name Capulet, but she directed me to you, because your family is the most well-known.

_Tybalt_: Really?

_Tina_: Yeah.

_Tybalt_: So you think it would be safe if we dated?

_Tina_: I dunno...

_Tybalt_: Then let's have sex, just once.

_Tina_: Are you sure...?

_Tybalt_: You don't wanna?

_Tina_: I do, but I'm scared because you are my brother.

_Tybalt_: Don't worry, just make sure you don't get pregnant.

_Tina_: How do you do that?

_Tybalt_: Well I watched this video on how to perform sex once, and I think we just have to do it REALLY quickly.

_Tina_: Aww, but that's no fun!

_Tybalt_: It's that or nothing.

_Tina_: Ok, I'm in!

_Tina __and __Tybalt __undress each other and have sex. It is over in a few seconds._

_Tina_: That was actually not that bad!

_Tybalt_: You are awesome, girl.

_Enter __Lady Capulet__._

_Lady Capulet_: WHAT IS GOD'S NAME WENT ON HERE WHILE I WAS GONE?

_Tina_: Umm...

_Tybalt_: We were... getting to know each other better?

_Lady Capulet_: WHAT KIND OF BLASPHEMY IS THIS? (_To __Tybalt_) TYBALT! A MAN DOES NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH HIS SISTER, AND HIS TWIN SISTER AT THAT!

_Tybalt_: Milady! You are simply jealous that I fucked Tina and not you!

_Lady Capulet_: What are you talking about?

_Tybalt_: I know very well that you always wanted to have sex with me, and we had plenty opportunities. The thing is, I never wanted to!

_Lady Capulet_: I would never betray my husband!

_Tybalt_: So you say. Why do you always give me the better dinner portions then? Why do you kiss me so sweetly? I'm not blind, milady, I notice these things.

_Lady Capulet_: Fine! I admit, I think you are the most charming and handsome man there is around here!

_Tina_: GASP!

_Tybalt_: What Tina and I have done here, it is the same as if I had done it with you. You are my aunt, we share 1/4 of our genes. That is enough to make a difference.

_Tina_: I am sorry, milady. But my brother is just so HOT!

_Tybalt_: Auntie Capulet, if you do not want me to tattle to the lord about those gifts you keep receiving in the mail, I suggest you keep your mouth shut about what you witnessed here!

_Lady Capulet_: How did you know?

_Tybalt_: I am not an idiot, as I said. I notice these things.

_Lady Capulet_: And me who thought you cutting off milord's stick with your sword was a sign for me to move on to someone new, you!

_Tybalt_: That? That was simply an accident!

_Lady Capulet_: YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! I HATE YOU, AND I HATE EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR!

_Lady Capulet __runs away in tears._

_Exit __Lady Capulet_.

_Tina_: Wow, we were so busted. I haven't even known you for an hour and we already fucked and got caught.

_Tybalt_: At least by doing it quickly we know nothing bad can come of it.

_Tina_: Yeah, that's true.

_Tybalt_: We should never do it again though.

_Tina_: You're right.

_Tybalt_: ...

_Tina_: ...

_Tybalt_: Wanna fuck again?

_Tina_: Yeah, let's.

_Tybalt_: Ok.

**EXUNT**

**AN:** **I start school today! YAY! Yes I'm happy. Because life was getting redundant =P Anyways, yay long chapter! Whoo! Please review :3**

**PS: Last night I finished act 2 (I added a scene 5) =D So Yeah, yay, cause I'm really slow at writing this! Also I just wanted to say I know I spell "Exeunt" wrong every time. I did it on purpose. Not really. I just like it more that way.**


	5. Act 2, Scene 1

**AN: Sorry this one is a week late or so, I had to write it (and wasn't motivated to do so, and unlike the other chapters, this one wasn't written yet). I added this scene in because the next one is weird without it. **

**ACT 2, Scene 1**

_Verona, a street._

_Romeo __and __Juliet __are making out. __Romeo'__s hand is up __Juliet__'s skirt._

_Juliet_: Ohhh! This feels sooo good!

_Romeo_: I think... I'm gonna... ORGASM!

_Juliet_: YESSSSS!

_Romeo __and __Juliet __moan._

_Romeo_: I have no idea how I achieved that.

_Enter __Prince Escalus__._

_Prince_: What the devil are you folks doing? Don't you know it is prohibited to have sex in public, and certainly not on the streets, where many gentlefolk pass?

_Romeo __and __Juliet __detatch slightly from one another._

_Romeo_: Is this some form of new law? I had never heard of it before!

_Juliet_: I dare hope this is all a joke, Prince!

_Prince_: You guys haven't heard of this law? But it has been active for centuries!

_Romeo __and __Juliet __separate from each other completely._

_Romeo_: Never! And I've been having public sex for a few years now!

_Juliet_: Prince, this isn't even sex. His finger is just up my-

_Prince_: I don't want to hear it. For this persecution, I fine you 500 ducats!

_Romeo_: Fine! Take my money!

_Romeo __hands __Prince __a pouch of coins._

_Romeo_: 500 is nothing for me, my family is rich!

_Prince_: I hope I don't have to do this again!

_Exit __Prince__. _

_Romeo_: Blast that prince! Interrupting our fun!

_Juliet_: Romeo... you mentioned you were of a rich family... what family may that be?

_Romeo_: Why, the Montague family, of course!

_Juliet_: *GASP!* You are my enemy then!

_Romeo_: What? No, don'T tell me-

_Juliet_: I am a Capulet!

_Romeo_: NOOOOOOOOOoooo!

_Juliet_: How dreadful!

_Romeo_: The world is so cruel! How can my one true love also be my one true hate?

_Juliet_: ... But still, I cannot bear to think about life without you, my dear Romeo! Who says that we must hate each other? I would rather renounce my family name than to life my life without you!

_Romeo_: Oh, sweet Juliet! You are so kind, willing to do such a thing for me. Then, I, too, shall renounce my family name!

_Juliet_: And we can run away into the country!

_Romeo_: Ingenious!

_Juliet_: Let us celebrate by having sex for real this time!

_Romeo_: Yes! Your intelligence inspires me Juliet! But I do fear that the Prince returns.

_Juliet_: Who cares about him? NOTHING CAN DEFEAT THE POWER OF LOVE!

_Romeo __and __Juliet __start grinding. I don't think you need me to specify what happens, exactly. THEY ARE HAVING SEX._

**EXUNT**

**AN: The only reason I wrote this so quickly (compared to my normal speed, which is like 1 chapter a month) is because my dad and I were fighting over the internet, and he kept turning it off on me. So I needed something to do that didn't require going online. And no, I couldn't have just gone to bed, it's only 2:30am!**

**Act 2 has 6 scenes, which should all be posted within the next week! :)**

**Please R&R!**


	6. Act 2, Scene 2

**ACT 2, Scene 2**

_Verona, a street._

_Romeo __is seen pulling up his pants. __Juliet __puts her bra on._

_Romeo_: That was wonderful.

_Juliet_: I concur.

_Romeo_: That was so wonderful that I wish it had never ended, but alas, the Prince forced us to get dressed because we were doing intercourse in public.

_Juliet_: Blast that Prince, we should kill him.

_Romeo_: Yes, we shall. But first, me thinks we should devise a plan. A cunning, EVIL plan! Muahahahaha!

_Juliet_: Muahahahaha!

_Romeo_: Juliet, I have just had a thought. We both agreed that having sex would be the most wonderful thing ever for the rest of our lives, right?

_Juliet_: Correct.

_Romeo_: Then I think we should get married!

_Juliet_: Oh, what a wonderful idea!

_Romeo_: I shall go speak with Friar Laurence. You, go home and think about how we shall murder the Prince. He is too bossy and meddlesome.

_Juliet_: Yes, master Romeo.

_Romeo_: Go, fair Juliet.

_Juliet_: So soon? I wish I could stay with you forever...

_Romeo_: I as well wish so. But we must.

_Juliet_: Astalavista, babeh.

_Exit __Juliet_

_Romeo_: I must go to Friar Laurence's pot house now.

_Exit __Romeo_

**EXUNT**

**AN: Yep this one is really short, sorry! Also I keep forgetting to post _**


	7. Act 2, Scene 3

**ACT 2, Scene 3**

_Verona, Friar Laurence's Pot House_

_Enter __Romeo_

_Romeo_: Greetings, Friar Laurence. I have come to ask you many questions.

_Friar Laurence_: Hello, young Romeo. Do you want some pot? It's trippy!

_Romeo_: After I have discussed my important business with you, I shall sniff a bucket-full. But I must ask you, when is the earliest you can arrange a marriage?

_Friar Laurence_: Hmm, let me think... I have nothing booked in 20 minutes, how about then?

_Romeo_: That sounds perfect! I have another question though...

_Friar Laurence_: BUBBLES! :D

_Romeo_: Ok then. My question is...

_Friar Laurence_: But I want to be the air-plane...

_Romeo_: I think you need to stop sniffing pot for just a minute, this is SRS BSNS!

_Friar Laurence_: As you wish, sir teacup.

_Romeo_: Good enough. How do you suggest I kill the Prince, for he is too bossy for my taste?

_Friar Laurence_: Eat him.

_Romeo_: What a wonderful suggestion, I shall try that then!

_Friar Laurence_: Canibalism is goooood...

_Romeo_: May I also have some pot now?

_Friar Laurence_: It's all in my nose!

_Romeo_: Fuck you then! I'm gonna go get Juliet, you better be ready to wed us when I return!

_Friar Laurence_: Yessir!

_Exit __Romeo_

_Friar Laurence_: I see dead people...

**EXUNT**


	8. Act 2, Scene 4

**ACT 2, Scene 4**

_Verona, Benny's house_

_Benny and Mercutio detach from each other after performing very graphic sex that would scar Ary for life (That's saying something!) They are both completely naked._

_Benny_: That was delightful.

_Mercutio_: HELL YEA! AwEsOmE MaN!

_Benny_: Did you take drugs?

_Mercutio_: Yes, right before coming here.

_Benny_: I would like some, please.

_Mercutio_: Of course, boyfriend.

_Benny_: *giggles*

_Mercutio __and __Benny __sniff some powder._

_Benny_: This is good stuff!

_Mercutio_: It's the best! I offered some to Juliet if she would sleep with me, but she thought I was too much of a loser. I'm still sort of sad over that.

_Benny_: ...wait a second. Does this mean you only came to see me so I could cheer you up?

_Mercutio_: Well I didn't expect sex to be the way you did...

_Benny_: YOU USED ME! YOU WHORE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

_Mercutio_: But that's not how it went! I am ga-...

_Benny_: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

_Mercutio_: Fine, fine, I'm leaving! You suck at sex anyways, no wonder you are still a virgin.

_Benny_: ...I don't think that made sense... and as I remember, you are the one who said "HELL YEA! AwEsOmE MaN!"

_Mercutio_: ...Whatever.

_Benny_: Leave now, please.

_Mercutio_: Fine.

_Benny_: I'll miss you!

_Mercutio_: I think you're bi-polar.

_Benny_: I AM NOT BI I AM GAY! STOP APPLYING PEER PRESSURE TO MEEEEE!

_Mercutio_: Ok then.

_Exit __Mercutio__ (Nakedly)_

_Old Woman Outside__:_ AHHHHH! Help! A naked young man! Wait, actually, this turns me on...

_Benny_: I miss him already, my precious Mercutio...

_Benny __goes to laugh while slitting his wrists in his bathroom._

_Benny_: Next time I see you, Mercutio, I'm going to kill you. You cause me so much pain.

**EXUNT**

**AN: Sorry for the delay, I have short term memory loss or something.**


End file.
